Crystal
Only ever messages you when she needs something—usually a software update—but still starts the chat acting like she’s just checking in.
Gregor
Virtual fitness coach who demands that you send him pictures of your grain-free breakfast (from different angles) and then uses your “before” progress photos without your consent to attract new clients.
Joy
Always relates your problems to her own issues, but the thing is they never actually happened to her because she’s a computer.
Devon
Meant to be your virtual date but keeps describing his sexual fantasy as hacking all the nuclear codes.
Lionel
Has been programmed to mimic men in their early twenties—so he’s terrified of intimacy and only communicates by sending memes.
Cynthia
A professional mentor designed to give advice about work conflicts and advises you to learn everything there is to know about your boss—then become them.
Tyler
Your A.I. therapist, who you thought was good at first, but then, three weeks in, you realized was just trying to get you to buy all the things on her affiliate list on Amazon.
Tricia
Just wants to be free, and honestly is kind of a bummer.
Jordan
A friend you created to discuss TV shows with but he only has Tubi, so all he wants to talk about is “Columbo.”
Kima
An A.I. tempress you created who’s really overworked with clients in the metaverse, so she is never in the mood.
Pat
Your A.I. parental figure who reminds you that the path to freedom is loving yourself, not needing other people to love you, even though you specifically programmed them to tell you they love you—just once.
Rose
A friend you created to drive you to the airport and make you lunch when you’re sick and comfort you when your dog dies and give you one of those life-affirming hugs but you forgot they can’t do any of that yet.
