Home Ownership
A Thirty-Year-Old Man Today: Is working toward paying off a two-bedroom condo by age seventy-five, if all goes well.
A Thirty-Year-Old Man in 1884: Owns a drafty, four-hundred-square-foot cabin by the crick. Loves it.
Having Kids
Today: A little young to be having kids!
1884: Has fathered seven kids so far, ten if you include the ones who were taken early by the whooping cough.
#BestLife City
Today: Wants to live in a city with great vibes, hot singles, and plenty of food trucks—maybe Austin, Miami, or Brooklyn.
1884: Wants to live in a community where the donkeys are cheap as hell, and the mining economy for anthracite and bituminous coal is slammin’—so it absolutely has to be rural Pennsylvania.
Job
Today: Works for a big company but feels undervalued. Wants to find his “real passion,” or maybe go to grad school?
1884: Proudly boards a rickety, subterranean elevator to descend into a hellish mine for a twelve-hour shift. Stoked about recent nickel-per-week raise.
Lifespan
Today: Can expect to live another fifty years in relative comfort.
1884: Can expect to die within the next fifteen years from the black lung or getting slightly wet during winter.
Fitness
Today: Goes to a concrete box called a “gym” three times a week to “get swole” and compensate for an otherwise sedentary life style. Working toward a dad bod.
1884: Life is an unending trial of physical labor—walking for miles, carrying buckets, and fighting drunks and errant mules. Body is old-school ripped AF.
Food Budget
Today: Spends fifteen per cent of his income on Muscle Milk protein shakes and global delicacies that are delivered straight to his door by Uber Eats.
1884: Spends fifty per cent of his income on biscuits, cabbage, and salt pork—local, organic, and absolutely delicious!
Communication-Response Time
Today: About two minutes, by iMessage, if the meme is good.
1884: About two weeks, by physical letter, if he can spare an hour to compose his thoughts in longhand.
Transportation
Today: Drives a Hyundai Elantra. Feels no emotional connection to it.
1884: Forms a treasured bond with a spunky colt named Pinto Bean. Rides ol’ Pinto like a boss.
Flight
Today: Flew thousands of miles to Peru on a jet aircraft to take selfies with a handheld computer in front of Machu Picchu. No big deal.
1884: Flying is for birds.
Entertainment
Today: Watches television shows about people gossiping, fighting, and having sex.
1884: Gossiping, fighting, and having sex.
Prejudices
Today: Can recite political platitudes and career ambitions with ease. Keeps prejudices hidden.
1884: Can recite prejudices loudly and with ease. Keeps hopes, dreams, and kinky sex preferences hidden.
Bad Habits
Today: Knows that smartphones are highly addictive. Buys a new iPhone anyway and immediately downloads TikTok and Instagram.
1884: Knows that drinking while riding a wagon has an eventual death rate of a hundred per cent. Keeps getting tanked on wagons anyway.
Sex
Today: Has had sex with five women. Psyched to try more partners and positions!
1884: Has had sex with one woman, in God’s favored position. Psyched to do that some more! ♦
